Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Winfield
My brother called yesterday and we spoke on the phone for almost an hour. There isn’t that much going on with me at my job this week, so I was really able to give him my full attention, which he truly deserves during every phone call. I was hoping I would hear from him yesterday and like he could read my mind, the phone rang at 2:30pm and we got to have our talk.
Overall, my brother is in very high spirits. He has handled his tour in Baghdad with such grace and positivity. It always astounds me that he has such strict control over his emotions. I can barely keep a smile on my face for one full day and I live in NYC with my friends and crack whores all around me. But Winfield very rarely cries about being in Baghdad. Yesterday, he even told me that he is so happy that he has been able to have the experience of being in a war. It has given him quite a lot of perspective.
It was at this point that he and I discussed his future career with the military.
When I was in Syracuse this weekend, I had the opportunity to discuss my brother’s return from Baghdad with Rita’s mother. She has quite a bit of personal experience in this area as Rita’s dad has been in the service for over 25 years. He has been all over the world and as she told me this weekend that they have encountered many obstacles once he returned from his tour of duties. “Expect Winfield to be kind of cold upon his arrival. It will be hard for him to return to normal life after being submersed in a war zone for over a year.” It felt so good being able to get advice from someone who actually knows what it is like to be in this type of situation.
During the conversation with my brother, we mostly discussed our plans for his visit in May. He wants to do everything, from seeing Broadway plays to sitting around watching corny TV. Once I found a lull in the conversation, I asked him about his future in the ARMY. Usually my brother responds “I am done as soon as I get out in May. I can’t wait for this whole thing to be over and to be able to pursue a different path.” However, yesterday he said the opposite. “I don’t know what I want to do yet. I’m thinking that I could remain in the military and pursue a different path with them.” I about lost my shit.
Now, with all due respect, my brother has achieved quite a bit during his short time in the service. He moves up in the ranks very quickly and he has always been at the top of his class. As was written a couple months ago in this journal, he has even been nominated for a Bronze Star. He must be doing GREAT things there for this to have happened.
The second he mentioned continuing with the military, we launched into a very in depth conversation about the effects of this kind of decision on both his girlfriend and family. While my brother thinks that he “needs to do what he needs to do”, I was very clear in reminding him that his decision does not effect him alone. He has always done what he thinks he needs to do, without any regard for the consequences on those that love him.
I explained that while we may never know what it was really like for him to be in Baghdad, he will never know what it was like for all of us to be here; worrying and crying and freaking out every day over the fact that he is in consistent danger. In my opinion, his life may be more physically dangerous, but our lives have been emotionally crippled by his choices.
It will be impossible for me to ever understand a personal calling such as his. I feel the same type of calling, but it’s for performance, and it doesn’t worry my family that I would be killed in my pursuit of this dream. While I may wholeheartedly disagree with his thought process in continuing with the military, I will always be here to support whatever decision he makes. BUT, I will put him through emotional hell before that happens. And I will enforce the fact that he and I will never be as close as we could be if he made the choice to get out.
I drove my point home yesterday and I know he heard me loud and clear. Stay in the military if that is what you wish, but the daily support will not be as powerful and understanding as it is now.
My parents are VERY strong in their resolve to see him out of the ARMY. When I called my mom to tell her about my conversation with my brother, she was like “He does not want to come home and tell me that he is staying in the service. I’ll kill him.” While this may seem a bit ludicrous to some people, I agree with her completely and will do whatever I can to keep him out. Ultimately supporting him in his decision the best I can.
Not everyone is cut out for the military lifestyle. My brother is good at everything he does. He has talents that have yet to be explored. For him to continue in the same vein only limits his talents and leaves all of us in constant fear.
By the end of the conversation, I could tell that he was happily influenced by my words. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that you have a life that is very fragile back home. Sometimes it’s hard to forget where your priorities really lie.
All I can do at this point is to be as understanding as I can be. But the truth of the matter is, he better not decide to stay in. We will ALL be against that decision and it will tear our family further apart.
I am excited, but also filled with anxiety about his impending visit. Who will he be? How will he act? What decisions will he have already made?
I pray to God, cuz that’s the only thing I really know how to do.
God will take care of it and will lead my brother in the right direction. I can only hope that he will soften our hearts to this in the process.
My brother called yesterday and we spoke on the phone for almost an hour. There isn’t that much going on with me at my job this week, so I was really able to give him my full attention, which he truly deserves during every phone call. I was hoping I would hear from him yesterday and like he could read my mind, the phone rang at 2:30pm and we got to have our talk.
Overall, my brother is in very high spirits. He has handled his tour in Baghdad with such grace and positivity. It always astounds me that he has such strict control over his emotions. I can barely keep a smile on my face for one full day and I live in NYC with my friends and crack whores all around me. But Winfield very rarely cries about being in Baghdad. Yesterday, he even told me that he is so happy that he has been able to have the experience of being in a war. It has given him quite a lot of perspective.
It was at this point that he and I discussed his future career with the military.
When I was in Syracuse this weekend, I had the opportunity to discuss my brother’s return from Baghdad with Rita’s mother. She has quite a bit of personal experience in this area as Rita’s dad has been in the service for over 25 years. He has been all over the world and as she told me this weekend that they have encountered many obstacles once he returned from his tour of duties. “Expect Winfield to be kind of cold upon his arrival. It will be hard for him to return to normal life after being submersed in a war zone for over a year.” It felt so good being able to get advice from someone who actually knows what it is like to be in this type of situation.
During the conversation with my brother, we mostly discussed our plans for his visit in May. He wants to do everything, from seeing Broadway plays to sitting around watching corny TV. Once I found a lull in the conversation, I asked him about his future in the ARMY. Usually my brother responds “I am done as soon as I get out in May. I can’t wait for this whole thing to be over and to be able to pursue a different path.” However, yesterday he said the opposite. “I don’t know what I want to do yet. I’m thinking that I could remain in the military and pursue a different path with them.” I about lost my shit.
Now, with all due respect, my brother has achieved quite a bit during his short time in the service. He moves up in the ranks very quickly and he has always been at the top of his class. As was written a couple months ago in this journal, he has even been nominated for a Bronze Star. He must be doing GREAT things there for this to have happened.
The second he mentioned continuing with the military, we launched into a very in depth conversation about the effects of this kind of decision on both his girlfriend and family. While my brother thinks that he “needs to do what he needs to do”, I was very clear in reminding him that his decision does not effect him alone. He has always done what he thinks he needs to do, without any regard for the consequences on those that love him.
I explained that while we may never know what it was really like for him to be in Baghdad, he will never know what it was like for all of us to be here; worrying and crying and freaking out every day over the fact that he is in consistent danger. In my opinion, his life may be more physically dangerous, but our lives have been emotionally crippled by his choices.
It will be impossible for me to ever understand a personal calling such as his. I feel the same type of calling, but it’s for performance, and it doesn’t worry my family that I would be killed in my pursuit of this dream. While I may wholeheartedly disagree with his thought process in continuing with the military, I will always be here to support whatever decision he makes. BUT, I will put him through emotional hell before that happens. And I will enforce the fact that he and I will never be as close as we could be if he made the choice to get out.
I drove my point home yesterday and I know he heard me loud and clear. Stay in the military if that is what you wish, but the daily support will not be as powerful and understanding as it is now.
My parents are VERY strong in their resolve to see him out of the ARMY. When I called my mom to tell her about my conversation with my brother, she was like “He does not want to come home and tell me that he is staying in the service. I’ll kill him.” While this may seem a bit ludicrous to some people, I agree with her completely and will do whatever I can to keep him out. Ultimately supporting him in his decision the best I can.
Not everyone is cut out for the military lifestyle. My brother is good at everything he does. He has talents that have yet to be explored. For him to continue in the same vein only limits his talents and leaves all of us in constant fear.
By the end of the conversation, I could tell that he was happily influenced by my words. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that you have a life that is very fragile back home. Sometimes it’s hard to forget where your priorities really lie.
All I can do at this point is to be as understanding as I can be. But the truth of the matter is, he better not decide to stay in. We will ALL be against that decision and it will tear our family further apart.
I am excited, but also filled with anxiety about his impending visit. Who will he be? How will he act? What decisions will he have already made?
I pray to God, cuz that’s the only thing I really know how to do.
God will take care of it and will lead my brother in the right direction. I can only hope that he will soften our hearts to this in the process.
